Sad, very sad - Easter 2012

About 3 years ago I dated a lady called Wendy.  Wendy was a social worker and in her mid 50's.  She was a widow and knocked around with a few bikers and musicians.  Well spoken and good fun Wend was always keen to smile and loved me.  I left her for another women who I fell for month before I met Wend but we stayed in touch and I swapped routine "catch up" texts only a fortnight ago.  When I returned from Europe she made me a welcome home dinner and we had a very pleasant evening drinking lots of wine and generally having a giggle.  This fine lady who supported her sick mother died of a heart attack a week ago today.

Wendy was present when my back finally gave out and I was virtually paralysed - the last day of my working career.  She would bring food and water to my bedside.

I did my self flagellation grief thing last night and the hangover today is impressive.  Considering my hobbies it is no surprise that I have lost friends in the past but there has been a lapse of many years since I have lost a mate and then it was never due to natural causes.  Bike accidents, suicide and drink etc accounting for most.  This is different.  This is a contemporary of mine; an ex-girlfriend who died suddenly whilst going about her normal business.  No warning.  Gone.  It's happening in the now.  I guess it is natural and indeed correct that we encounter more death the longer we live.  Our life clock is ticking and we all have a unique amount of time but to see nature working in such a final way to someone you know well is deeply thought provoking and upsetting.  I'm fine today; I have to be because it could be me tomorrow.  This does not frighten me.  I've had a full life.  I could go tomorrow and die knowing I have done my best with what I have and spent my time trying to do interesting things.  In this particular case however I broke the heart of a decent hardworking woman in the last 2 years of her life.  Doesn't matter what you think about that - it's the shitty truth and it can't be changed.  I feel sick.  Does anyone remember the Red Dwarf episode called "The Inquisitor"?  Watch it.

Bye Wendy, thinking of you.

Music:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4B9ht-_MBvM&feature=related